Messy-able

I am almost 26 and still confused with my life. I am not really sure what I want. I wake up and put on different facade everyday. I could not possibly decide, which one is closest to my true colour.

I believe most people know my story. I am waiting for my so-called dream job. I got the title but not the job, yet. I  can be so miserable at times.

Ironically, even If I get that job, I am pretty sure I’ll be having same feeling- if not worst. MISERABLE. 

There are so many things in my mind right now.  Some people are lucky if they can share shits with their family, because I can’t. I tried. I just can’t bring myself to say it.

 

But I cannot bear it anymore and that’s the serve the sole purpose of this WordPress- heart pour.

I think I have mild-to-moderate OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Like I could not bear seeing a glass at the edge of the table. I would move it to center. Or I would totally forgotten if I already locked my car then I ran back to car park – for reassurance. Or if these traits are not counted as OCD, well maybe this is just HABIT.

I don’t know if you call this HABIT or GIFT or anything that fit the title that- I AM OBSERVANT. I noticed little things. Like tinge of blue lips of a  5 year old girl – she is having Heart Disease, I am guessing Tetralogy of Fallot. Or 18 year old teen male, post operative came for dressing his wound. He told me the reason for his operation due to ” extra bone growing on his thigh”- I said he was having OSTEOSARCOMA- the benign bone tumor. He showed the discharged note- I am right. Left FEMUR OSTEOSARCOMA.

How did I know?

It is not hard. Observe + Knowledge + Probability = Answer.

Probability (?) yes. Medical school shaped my mind into that perspective.

But noticing little things and little changes are not all good per se. I had to bear the consequences. At times, I had to pretend I didn’t notice. or I just didn’t care. or I didn’t give a damn.

But I do.

I had the capability to shut down my emotions. But if I get there, my old self is a history.

And I don’t know if I would ever come back here again. Writing, I mean. Is this place really private?

Jam

a) A sweet, soft food made by cooking fruit with sugar to perserve it – people love it.
b) Heavy traffic, to squeeze, packed tightly between spaces, trapped  – people hate it.

c) Two or more musicians making music together but not an official band – people enjoy it.

d) All of the above.
The truth is, it is definitely depends on me to define myself.

“Can anyone really be an individual?” -22.19pm

1130 pm and Gotye song

No matter how much we thought we understand what’s going on we’d still jump into the wrong conclusion and get ourselves hurt. Next time when we are in this position, there is no harm in taking a step back and turn things around into something that won’t hurt. Pain in certain but suffering is optional.

Most of the time we choose to fight when the only problem was we speak different language and we refuse to translate each other. If only we take the time to do translations we’d be surprise how we escape unnecessary pain.

 

Workload

Last week was a tough week for me. I was working for night shift in 4/6 days. Night shift is 12 hours shift ( 9 am – 9 pm).  I had to admit, physical and mental exhaustion are real!

Almost every night,  I thought it would be nice to have some people to chat or drink caramel latte to unwind. I had no one. I am alone but certainly not lonely. At first, I felt like a mess – but what’s new? I always drawn into this kind of madness.

At 9 pm, all the staff went home and well, there was a friendly colleague who casually asked me to accompany him to the nearby court and invited me to play badminton. But I refused- knowing he has a fiance.

 

The whole thing that happened allowed me to jump into a conclusion.

I’m fine on my own.

“As time goes on, you’ll understand.
What lasts, lasts; what doesn’t, doesn’t.
Time solves most things.
And what time can’t solve, you have to solve yourself.
Is that too much to ask?”
– Haruki Murakami, Dance Dance Dance