Anna Hakana

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A question


What is it like, to love The Unavailable?

Chasing dark thought

“God created suffering so that joy might appear through it’s opposite” – Rumi

Example 1

We were supposed to go hiking on Monday, but the leader had to postponed it to Tuesday and informed us at the very last minute because his son is feverish. Knowing me, I’m easily disturbed if things didn’t go according to my plan. I took a deep breath and continue to sleep. The thing is.. I already had plan with my mom on Tuesday’s afternoon around 2pm. So we had to travel to the trail ( the place is 1.5 hour drive from my place) earlier than we already plan. We left around 4am in the morning, and reached destination at 6.03 and  we had to back before 1100 am.

The struggle was real. It was 5 times  harder than my previous hills.The hills have  10 peaks. When we had to go down the hills, the sun was already rose and I was drenched in sweats. My body is finely tuned but the external factor- the sun. The heat was killing me.At hill no.5, I stopped and I slumped, exhausted onto the grass. I intended to take a long break, but the leader forced us to move. The longer we wait, the hotter the place gonna be. So we moved, with slow and steady pace.

a) If we were going on Monday we  left home at 5 am, and gonna reached the trail at 7.03 am.  With our pace, I don’t think I can make it

b) Moreover, the leader intended to drive his car, but luckily when he brought his son to clinic, the engine cannot start. Weak battery. So he changed his mind, he drove his wife car to hiking on the very next day.

Example 2

At 9pm, I was starving and the  was no proper food in the” temporary house”.  The cafe was closed. I have no car. I have a car, but I just met an accident last 3 months so it was still at the workshop. I already request the authority the permission so I can have the “free food” but there were just too many bureaucracy questions. All I can do was to abuse my medical knowledge. I am gonna let you imagine what comes next.

Out of desperation, I texted a friend to dine out the next day. And we had been having dinner almost every night for that month.

a) If isn’t because of the restriction and having no car, I would not be so close with an amazing friend. The one who I could always count on. You know who you are.

Sitting alone in my room, I reminded myself everything served a purpose. I was reminded myself


It is not like I have to sit down, and accept every faith blindly. The concept is wrong. Patience means you become proactive instead of reactive. Think all the possible solutions to the problem and execute them. Come up with back up plans. Acknowledge the feeling but not to be engulf in emotions.

Every moments, each of them contributed in my story. I couldn’t make it clear, but I could feel it with my heart.

Greasy problem.

Because I’m better at cleaning stuff, I chose to clean up the dishes. There were piles of dirty plates, used glasses and greasy pots. That day marked the 7th day since my grandmother passed away. We had to rush back to my hometown to attend some sort of ritual and feast night for her.

There were a lot of people there and it made me uncomfortable. People seemed to know each other, but I did not recognize most of them. They talked bout of random stuff- someone’s daughter relationship status, increase in fuel prices and oil, political demands, how to swing better at night ( direct translation) and many more. I tried my best to  stay silent. Seriously, I did not want to join the conversation.

My mom and my aunt ( I just knew her) were sitting approximate to me. The aunt has solemn face and extremely calm, she told my mom that her daughter is a first year dentist student and bla bla bla bla.

” My daughter cried last night. Her denture prototype is rejected by the  doctor. She could not stand it. I’m afraid she could not pull herself together. Did your daughter complain a lot when she was studying medicine?” my aunt asked.

I held my breath. It took few seconds for my mother to respond.

“No. Not even once”, my mom answered.

It is the truth. I never share my broken side with my family. I was raised to believe I am enough to support myself, I am capable to swallow my own sorrow and pain. I will be responsible for everything that I’ve done, even if life had been riding roughshod over me.

I did interact with mom a lot when I was in university, but we usually discuss random stuff- never about my problems. Like my mom said, not even once.

It makes me wonder,

“Would I want my daughter to do the same?”

“Yadek novu”- Chest pain.

Too many things to be handled.
& that’s when my brain loves to wander at the wrong direction, which brought me back to the moment 4 months ago.

You made the choice. But in fact, I selfishly trapped you.
Give you permission, to “permanently disconnected” everything that we had, is rather cruel.
To leave you behind, at the lowest point; while you’d stayed with me during my time; is heartless.

“I gave up my feeling”

That’s some bullshit that I uttered. Lie that I couldn’t digest. Not until now.

I’m confused. Do I like you, or do I like the idea of being liked?

4 months ago— is a matter between my feeling and myself.
And I chose the later.

I chose to frame our happiness; and let the auspicious moment frozen as it was.

Yet 2 am in the morning, I asked myself, why “yadek novu?”

“So I figure youre one of the rare breeds who actually get me when it comes to this.”

Last night, I had a conversation with my unimate. To my suprised, she described me as a “touch & go” person.

“You came close to people, left them as you may, and come back in no time”

It is not something that I should apologize for. It’s kinda frustating because there’s no way I can explain to people how messed up I was, and I still am.

At times, I just need space, a quality time with myself. Hide in my own cocoon. Till I think I’m ready to kill my loneliness, then I’ll open up.

I’m not sure.

Melati once said , “You are fragile”

I am. I don’t think anyone is that worthy to see my broken side.

And the very next morning, Bella texted me about the same thing. She had similar case with me, and apparently I do understand her condition. Hence the title.

Thank God, I had known Bella earlier. She is a living proof that i’m quite a normal girl.

Googled myself, and I found this. Isn’t this lovely?