I know if you read my previous posts, they kept on revolving around the same things. My past. My struggle. Heart Break. Crush, Heal.
People get annoyed of it. I know, I get annoyed too, and it got amplified day by day. Trust me, fighting with ‘this’ is never easy.
Until one lucky night. As usual,we (girls) gathered in a musollah/surau/small mosque inside our building for maghrib prayer. After praying together (jamaah) , everyone sat on the mosaic floor and formed a circle. Each of us will recite few sentences of Quran and the rest will correct the tajweed ( pronouncation). This makes my life less robotic, where I didn’t fully devote my time in studying medicine. I believe in Heaven and Hell, I believe the presence of Al-Mighty, The One, The Creator, Allah S.W.T and this is one of the available time I could spend to learn the Language of God.
After that, some of us will share their point of views of the ayahs, or as well share the scholar’s opinion on that. Arabic is a great language, which could result in bewitchment. It has not just double, could result in triple meanings as well. But one crucial point is, sometimes no other words can fully replace and convey the exact meaning of the sentence. You can only understand it, if you have conquered the language. Subhanallah :).
Next we have another session, where everyone can pour their heart out. To seek for better solutions or support or simply for a fuel of motivation.
Sis A said, “I’m glad that I already let go the position I held 2 years back. I’m happy that the position is replaced by someone who is equally best or maybe better than me. Remember if Allah take back things from you, it means someone in a great need of it more than you do”.
That is the my final blow. I could almost heard my heart broke into pieces no, I think it bleed. Just like someone fired the gun, and the bullet perfectly made a great hole inside it. Literally, of course.
I took a deep breath and registered that sentence inside my mind. Slowly I said, Allah had answered my prayer.
Well yeah, I have feeling for someone in which I don’t really know if we are in the same boat, or not. I’m afraid he is seeking someone else. I’m afraid of my own shadow. I’m afraid of my assumptions. I’m afraid of my own feeling. Indeed I hate myself, not for the flaws I had, but for the feeling I never able to unchain from suffocating myself. It’s not that I’m gonna tell him,I swear that would the last I would do. Yet it’s not that I’m going to marry soon. But why can’t switch this feeling off ?
But Sis A is right.
If only he is not destined from me, it is because someone else in need him more than I do. It doesn’t matter if she(that girl) is better than me or not. In the end, I just want a happy ending for myself, and for him too.
Surprisingly, that thought did calm me down. As if I had to let the feeling go because God had promise me. If He took away what once was/is/might be yours, He would replace someone/something far better than you could even imagine. HE is Your Creator, remember?
Indeed, every day I pray for a better, purified heart. And I almost there. Alhamdulilah
If you’re reading this, whoever you are, I hope you get something out of this post. You may be in the same shoes of mine, or you will encounter this one day,or you might had been in the same compulsive situations and if you got stuck in this game of confusion, and you don’t know where to turn to. Hold your hands up, make a dua;.
Never blame yourself for that, after all you are just a normal human being. We all are.
Never ever stop from putting efforts to make yourself closer to Him. I have preference like this blog,http://angelwearsgucci.blogspot.in/ (awg) or this http://www.yasminmogahed.com/2012/01/03/this-is-love/ ( yasmin mogahed) or this one, the person who is dear to me, she had changed a lot, in front of my own eyes http://brightfizgig.wordpress.com/ ( hope you don’t mind)
Their writing directly ( and indirectly) as well, help me find way out of this puzzle and help me to grow.
Maybe you didn’t find your answers in there, but pray hard one day you will. It is hard, but life is like that 🙂
I know this is not the end. But I hope I would not have to go back to square one. Oh ALLAH, I ask for the strength to face this misery.
Indeed in remembrance of Allah, do heart find peace.