I threw my gaze out of the window. The sun played hide and seek for a moment. Once it let the glaring light shone and brighten my room, and next it shy away from my view.
I shifted my gaze ‘within’ myself. ‘Be Patient’ – I said followed with a sigh. I just played one of my favourite band, Wheezer – Perfect Situation, and I laughed at the lyrics.
“And there’s a pitch, slow and straight” – I nodded.
For a person who almost felt into a deep depression.I know I desperately need Time-out, but it is impossible. You can’t play time forward, nor backward, you can just use it, as it is. That’s the mortal rule, it can’t be broken by any mis-behaviours. or you lose in the battle of finding your true soul.
How disillusion and denial I am, absolutely nothing will stop for me. The clothes still need to be folded, the dishes still need to be cleaned after every usage, the tyre of the bicycles still need to be pumped after sometimes, and the schedule will run as usual on Monday – which is tomorrow.
Whatever happen will happen, with or without my consciousness, or my will or my approval. And one day, I will wake up without any idea what had happened throughout my ignorant phase.
Every day, I aware, for the more distance I put between myself and my home ( and anything that happened in between), the more lighter I fell. If I had a magic wand, I would point it at my head, and take away the memories and place them in a dustbin. It accompanied most of the space in my brain, which clouded my judgement from time to time.
I know where my place is. and where I belong. so I shut myself for a day or two, just so I could settle down the inner voices inside my head.
It’s going to be long, dark journey and it is important to buckle up the seatbelt for at least, I would not be in deep pain, in case of emergency. I’ve made it so far, InsyALLAH I can find my strength to move on.
But what I almost forgot is this,
The eyes which kept watching on me, the hands which grabbed a blanket in the middle on cold night and cover myself with it, the noble heart which touched mine with the greatest kindness, the LOVE , I learn and unlearn.
I almost forgot, I have the most stable supporting system on earth- friends.
In which, reflected how Allah has bless me and sending them to me. Allah do love me. I know.
I’m not alone. I will never be. Find courage to be patient, dear self.
p/s I love you more. 🙂