Heart’s language.

If my heart can scream, can it makes an audible sound to capture the limelight?

I always afraid to jot down my inner feeling. I’m afraid people make the wrong perception of me. I’m afraid of my own shadows, yet what is the purpose of this wordpress again?

Soul mate. I’m 21 on this December, by that I’m mature enough to talk stuff like this.

My dad said, ” Get the degree, and I’ll be your wali”.

Adding up the total of MD degree, that would be 4 years from now. But that’s not the wedding issue, but the marriage itself.

And it carries different definitions.

I know I’m not ready now, so I didn’t want to mess up things, like what had happened in the past.

By that I mean, you were so into a person until One day you are realized, you ain’t go nowhere. You put your emotions on his behaviors, and lead to mental depression. When he fell flat on his face, you suffered from the high expectation you’ve put in.

Moreover, this is not a firm relationship, where everything happened left you in a big doubt, where is the end? A fat question mark.

You started to wonder, what went wrong, did I change, did he cheat on me? Maybe we weren’t meant to be together. or maybe we didn’t meet at the exact time. Maybe my bones didn’t fit his space of ribs. (this is a joke). Maybe he has an incurable bad-temper, or you are the one who often light up the sparks of fight.

Or maybe, I’m just tired. I’ve admitted, everything is wrong, start from the very beginning. Not to point on the feeling,but to the establish unofficial relationship.

Turn over the new leaf, but that feeling comes again. This time, I dare not speak anything about it. I even tried to kill the idea when it gets into my mind.

The fear I got closely related to my  future career. Most husbands prefer their wives to stay at home, cook for them, take care of household and the chores.

What if, I can’t? What if I love my future career more than him?

That is the biggest fear I had. Less men can tolerate with wife-with-career.

Every time my heart speaks its language, I will do anything to shut it down.

“He might be too good for me, and he deserves someone better than me.”

And now, I’m standing on an edge, watching silently from a distance.

Be it, or be it not.

; hope Allah understands my plight. Ameen.


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